Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Krampus

Growing up in a family with German values and traditions, Chirstmas was a bipolar holiday for the toddlers. I'm not talking about North and South poles, but salvation and damnation, gifts and beatings. Santa in our family went by the name St. Nicholaus (my name sake) he was much like any other santa I meet in my time. He was loving, full of joy, dressed in red... an overall wonderful symbol of the holiday spirit. Western tradition has Santa delivering coal to the bad and gifts to the good.

In pre-Christian Alpine tradition (what most Germans follow) Santa's job was split, the jolly old elf still came with gifts but he was accompanied by an escort, Krampus. An evil, boozy, goat-horned, 7foot tall incubus was santa's sidekick. Santa gave a gift and Krampus was right there with a beating and a bad dream for the child. On our families Christmas Eve Grandpa Herman was Santa and Uncle Wally (RIP) played Krampus. This tradition was survived in our family for just a few years, my older brother James and I experianced it. Our parents once pregnant with their third son decided to boycott the family party on account that beating their 8-year old (James) and 3-year old (me) was not the best way to spend the holiday.
Today the tradition of Krumpus morphed into a holiday bacchanal, where scaring kids takes a back seat to heroic bouts of drinking. Krampus festivals throughout Alpine communities kick off the holiday season with townspeople dressing in Krampus costumes, running rampant through the streets and putting a scare in the youngsters. After the children have been given a proper fright to ensure they stay on the straight and narrow, the rowdy Krampus are rewarded with booze. The fest then changes to an adult affair inwhich thousands of drunken goat-men roam the town's streets, harassing the town's young women.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

X-mas wishlist

Now before going into this know that I'm broke. I have no intent in getting you a gift nor do I want you to get me one. However, if you are one of the privilaged ripe with green pocketbooks and want to see me open gifts, my friend this list is for you.

The gift of knowledge.

More than 640 pages devoted to black letter, showcases 333 typefaces collected by Judith Schalansky, accompanied by a CD of 150 usable fonts. Four of them were created just for this book. At $75 this is not an easy purchase in times that call for frugality, but there is no denying me my bible.
Fraktur Mon Amour
Available at Quimby's

How about something that will stand the test of time.

Stickler's Odds 'N Ends tattoo studio in Rockford. Andrew Stickler's custom flash style suits my needs, but parking tickets and gas bills are are cleaning the bank. I'm thinking The term "CORN FEED" across my knuckles, twin rooster in rampant stance fighting each other with blood and sweat pouring out, or and ear of corn husk peeled back revealing radiant kernals.
Stickler's Odd 'n Ends

For you big spenders.

Drivers East, High Performance Driving for Motion Pictures. This school was formed to train new Stunt Drivers who need not only to slide a car, but to be able to hit a mark consistently and safely. They do this on a closed circut, I want to bring this to the street.

Day 1:
Forward Slalom, Use of mirrors/reverse slalom with mirrors, Braking, Threshold braking, 4 wheel braking, Braking to a mark, Forward 180º left, Forward 180º right, 90º right, 90º left
Day 2:
Reverse slalom and use of mirrors, Lane change 90's / Drift 90's, Box 90º's right to a mark, Box 90º's left to a mark, 180ºs right to a mark / 180's left to a mark, Reverse 180º's, Skid Turns (Fish Tails)
Two day course costs: $1775 Plus I'll need to been flown to New Jersey
Drivers East

Actually all I want is to fuck an athletic girl I respect.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Betty Page RIP

Once again an American-treasure is taken away by the sandman.

"With deep personal sadness I must announce that my dear friend and client Bettie Page passed away at 6:41pm PST this evening in a Los Angles hospital. She died peacefully but had never regained consciousness after suffering a heart attack nine days ago. She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality. She is the embodiment of beauty."
Statement by Mark Roesler, business agent for Bettie Page

Dance of Passion:

Rattled Roosters

"I've got this thing and it's fucking golden"

Several days late on this topic, but generally speaking if corruption goes all the way to the top, isn't it at the bottom as well?

A friend recently asked, "How much would an FBI agent pay to conduct the arrest?" That was an excellent question summing up the amount of corruption around and our inability to ever rid our lives of it.

"I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, and I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing, I'm not going to do it. Front pages nationwide, radio and television of you escorting fucking G-Rod. You have nothing of fucking value to offer, I'll take this opportunity my-fucking-self."
-Head of FBI

What does Foxxy Cleopatra have to say about this:

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Cold Remedy

Runny nose? Scratchy throat? Lazy ass?
Chicago's brutal winter got motherfuckers catching colds left-n-right and getting mad lazy.

Not to worry, Dr.Dieter's hot toddy family-recipe is here to the rescue. Guaranteed to knock the shit out of the cold, and get you drunk enough to hit those streets.

What you'll need:
* 1 Irish breakfast tea bag
* 1/2 glass of Maker's Mark (any whiskey, scotch, or bourbon)
* 1 heaping tablespoon honey
* Boiling water
* 1 slice lemon

In a coffee mug, place the tea bag and honey. Add enough boiling water (fill it half way), add the lemon, top off the coffee mug with your booze, and steep for 5 minutes. Remove the tea bag, inhale the steam, and guzzle the Toddy.
Your gonna want to repeat this process until the desired effect has been achieved.

Friends, try and take care of yourself, this winter
It's tempting to try the latest remedy, but colds are unavoidable the best thing you can do is drink. Also remember to wash up after smashing, God knows who the person under was tap-tap-tapping earlier, they may have had a cold.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

It's gotta be the shoes....

Vice buggs out with Barry McGee

"this trend of graffiti in galleries will pass and something truly more horrific will replace it" - Barry McGee