Monday, April 6, 2009

HOW TO: Get Tweaked/Lose it on the Interweb

Mornings for me generally start off with black coffee. Weekdays mean waking up at 6am at which time flavor can't even be calculated in my foggy mind. My only motive is to get completely rocked to deal with all the sales people hounding my ass for graphics (or magic as they call it). Intelligentsia's Blackcat Espresso blend thrown into a french-press and steeped for 30 minutes is my signature rocket fuel. On occasion I have a day which there is no time to spare, a stop a local grocer's fridge is mandatory. The case stocked with race-car looking energy cans and bottles is where I can find an appropriate fix. A good rule of thumb when looking to tweak off 2bucks is push aside any beverage that bears a familiar logo. You can find the manufactures logo on the back side, most of this shit is made by coca-cola, they have an image to protect and would not dare putting questionable substances in there product. I personally only grab the bottles that label themselves as a "Dietary Substance", you know shit is good when the package itself suggest you speak with a physician before drinking.
Today's choice... to quote Wesley Willis "was a Hell Ride". I grab a room temperature bottle of ENDORUSH. Who knows what that fucking name is suppose to mean? The taste was fine I was able to pound it without a problem. The trouble started 2 hours later with an intense white-trash trailerpark meth feel. Just like smoking ICE out of lightbulbs my eyes were spasticly twitching, mouth went dry, I jumbled my sentences, only thought of bats and spiders and couldn't stand anyone for the life of me. Not the greatest feeling to have at the office. Anyways as much as this is an entry of my addictive personality it's also about assholes. Both me and everyone who is not me.

As my comfortable peek was ending, paranoia and a need to clean everything set in. Distractions at this point are very dangerous, I'm libel to completely lose it in a fit of uncontrollable blind range. As if cued by Beelzebub himself this car-salesman Frank starts blowing up my inbox. I'm talking about six identical emails back to back over a time period of fifteen minutes. Perhaps I'm over reacting but WHAT THE FUCK! This happened last month too, matter of fact I recall during all of '08 I'd get these. Sitting in retrospect as I write this I know it never bothered me before. This isn't like one of those "straws that break the camel's back", this is much more like stepping on a crack in front of a fully psychotic that believes you are breaking his mothers back. With a head full of pure adrenaline or whatever they mix in that ENDO...syrup, my mind is not working proper and I decide Frank a letter. Within three minutes of sending my thoughts to Frank, he sends another email, identical to all the prior. I lose it completely...

Below I've posted the original E-mail from Frank, that I as of this moment have received 7 times today, along with this I've posted my 2 replies.

Thank you for choosing to contact Saturn of **** for your vehicle needs. My name is Frank ****, lead sales consultant and Internet manager at Saturn of ****. My goal is to exceed your expectations now or in the future when you are ready to view and/or schedule a test drive in a new or pre-driven vehicle. Just call or e-mail me personally with your requests and needs. I can also send you brochures and current price lists with options available. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Frank **** Internet Manager Saturn of ****

Dear Internet manager,

You have sent me the same email six times now, please knock it off. Once to twice a month I receive a barrage of emails from you, all are identical and sent within 5minutes of each other. This email opens with thanking me for something I've never done, contacting you for anything. If you are looking to meet my expectations, you may start by hitting "send" once. However if you are a real go-getter and would like to exceed my expectations as stated to me in the six prior emails, please organize your email addresses into categories and send material accordingly. You can do a group of addresses that have contacted you, another one that has bought a car from you. I fall into the later having purchased in 2006. In no way am I stating stop sending the emails, we all are hurting in these times and need to accomplish our jobs. Your email is nicely written and not pushy which I applaud. However once was more than sufficient, multiple emails appeals for attention and comes off as begging. Which is an unfavorable attribute and annoying.

Thanks and enjoy the day,

SECOND EMAIL (drafted and sent after receiving another one the same emails.)

Being proactive differs greatly from just being active, to succeed you must have a grain of intelligence. It's quite evident you lack the grain but have an over abundance of mannuer for brains. That is E-mail number seven you have sent me, did you not read my reply to the first six you sent within the last hour. This approach displays not just you being ignorant towards email etiquette but Saturn's ignorance to who they have reaching out and touching the community.

Send me the same email again and I'll start shipping multiple packages (perhaps 7, Frank) of my vomit addressed to you. Don't think I can do it? Brother, I'm trying to bone this skinny girl at the grocery store and the thinner I get the better chance I have. Please be my motivation.

This E-mail is for the greater good of society I'm certain that not a single person in the world wants to to deal with anymore of Frank ****'s brand of bullshit.

Stick and move,

I'll never drink Endorush again, today I felt like This guy:

SNL - Jim Carrey - Jimmy Tango's Fatbusters
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